By William D. Stetson, Twin City Sentinel Editor in Chief
Dear citizens of our Twin City, through the years it has been my pleasure to use this space from time to time to brag about our wonderful accomplishments and achievements. Things such as the many wonderful inventions of our resident genius, Dr. Vanderstrudelbergermisterhimmerson; the critical acclaim of our talented mime guild; our World’s Largest Wrecking ball and adjacent wrecking ball museum; and the daily hard work and loyal service of you, the people of Twin City!
We have a fine metropolis indeed.
Unfortunately, I have also had to use this column, on occasion, to call out our city’s faults: the near constant criminal activity drawn to our many abandoned saw mills, warehouses and water towers; the marching band fiasco of ’96; and of course, the infamous and foolish killer bee festival – may we never forget.
But today I must write to you about our greatest black-eye of all. Today I write to you about the source of, in my estimation, 60-75% of our city’s most recent and dangerous troubles. You may think that I am referring to the villains known as the Terrible Trio, but no, I am talking about Hatman & Indigo.
I know, I know, many of you, including our mayor and law enforcement officials, consider Hatman & Indigo to be our greatest heroes. They stopped a baldness-inducing toxin from poisoning our water supply, they ended the reign of an evil and all-powerful 3rd person omniscient point of view, and they have been responsible for the arrest of the Terrible Trio on multiple occasions.
“These two have risen to the task and rescued our city in our greatest moments of peril,” you might say. “How could you possibly refer to them as a danger?”
Well, what if I told you that I have received information that indicates that these two so-called heroes are actually the very SOURCE of the perils they have supposedly saved us from?
My source, who will remain anonymous, pointed out something out to me that should have been obvious to us all: that none of our greatest villains – Glomo, The Evil Zap Man, Super Cold Frozen Man, The Mad Hatter, The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man, Bald, and the Man-Hat – even existed until AFTER Hatman came onto the scene!
Is it possible that these threats only exist BECAUSE of Hatman & Indigo?
Is it possible that Hatman himself may have actually CREATED these enemies?
My source, who is credible I assure you, tells me that these things are absolutely true. And if this is the case, then however many times they have saved the city, however good their intentions may be; Hatman & Indigo are our greatest nemeses!
And I’m sorry to tell you, dear citizens, but this is not the extent of this scandal! My source tells me that as we speak, trouble is brewing once again at the Bill farm. This is the farm where, with the aid of Hatman, The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man was born, where he came back to reek havoc the following Halloween and then, a few years later, where he spawned a new villain called The Man-Hat emerged who temporarily lured all of our children to do his evil bidding. And now, as Halloween approaches again, it seems that The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed man’s power is returning once more and he’s plotting yet another evil scheme.
A relatively obscure podcast with an incredibly small listenership hosted by The Man-Hat published a new episode on Thursday featuring The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man. This proves that he is back and that he is out for revenge, promising to strike this Halloween!
My source tells me that this wicked plot has already begun! The Pumpkin Man has been tainting pumpkins at the Bill Farm for months with an unknown toxin. These pumpkins have been distributed throughout the city for weeks and may already be in your homes! It is uncertain what role they will play in the Pumpkin Man’s attack, but I assure you, it will be sinister!
And where are Hatman & Indigo? Where are the so-called heroes who should be working tirelessly to prevent another tragedy? They are on vacation!
That’s right, I called the Hathouse myself early this morning and it was confirmed on a voicemail message left by Indigo: our city’s only hopes for averting another pumpkin-headed nightmare have decided to take a few weeks off in Hawaii, laying out in the sun and sipping on drinks with tiny umbrellas!
Citizens, I am afraid that we have no choice but to prepare for the worst! Lock your doors! Hide in your basements! Do not let your children out of your sight! Do not send them out trick-or-treating this year no matter how much they scream and cry! And most importantly, please, I implore you, throw out all of your pumpkins, pumpkin seeds, jack-o-lanterns, and cans of pumpkin pie filling! Get them as far from your house as you can and perhaps you will be spared from the ensuing pumpocalypse !
And if you have already eaten any pumpkin seeds, pumpkin pie or other pumpkin related food products, then please, seek medical attention immediately, and may God have mercy on your soul!
But do not, I repeat, DO NOT trust Hatman and Indigo to save you!