911 Transcript

October 29, 2012 10:53pm

911 Dispatcher:  911.

Caller: Yes, is this 911?  Um... my husband was just taken away by some vines!

911 Dispatcher: Did you say vines?

Caller: Yeah, like pumpkin vines!  You gotta do something!

911 Dispatcher: Ma'am 911 is for real emergencies, not pranks. [end call]


October 29, 2012 11:17pm

911 Dispatcher:  911.

Caller: Help me!  You gotta help me!  There are vines squeezing my car, I think they want to get me!

911 Dispatcher:  Vines, really!  What is everyone's deal tonight!  911 is for emergencies, it is not a toy!

Caller: No really! YOU GOTTA SAVE ME!  OH NO! THEY BROKE IN THE WINDOW!  AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

911 Dispatcher: Hello, sir.  Sir, are you there?  [end call]


October 29, 2012 11:51pm

911 Dispatcher: 911.

Caller: Please send someone to 2782 Sycamore Lane!  I just saw a man dressed like a farmer with a gigantic pumpkin growing out of his back!

911 Dispatcher: Okay, well, Halloween isn't for two more days.  Just settle down.

Caller: You don't understand, the pumpkin had fire inside it.

911 Dispatcher: Yes, that's called a Jack'O'Lantern.

Caller: But the pumpkin spoke and the man was floating.  There were vines everywhere; crawling behind him.

911 Dispatcher: Okay, I've notified police, someone will be there momentarily.  But if this is a prank, you need to understand that the police have the authority to arrest you for abusing 911.

Caller:  It's not a prank!  It's real!  AH!  The vines are now covering the street and yards of the whole neighborhood! [crashing sound and glass breaking]  NO!  NOT ME!  AAAAHHHH!

911 Dispatcher: Would you like me to stay on the line until the police arrive?  Hello? [end call]

Twin City Mail Room

Postcard:

Hey, Hatman & Indigo,

I sure hope you had a great time in the great state of Hawaii.  I trust that the return trip in the Hat-mo-copter didn't cause too many issues with traffic control.

We are having a blast, despite Blonde and Hatman taking time away, and my having to be at daycare most evenings.

Love always,

Indigo

Letter:

Addressed: Mrs. Badgerson

Dearest spouse of mine,

I am writing to inform you of my extended stay at the Bill farm.  It seems that Farmer Bill has been overcome by the Pumpkin Man again, and I have been incapacitated in the back of the Bill farm's barn.

Fortunately there is a postal delivery box just beyond the wall here, that I can reach with my elbow-knifes, so I am able to send you this correspondence.

Please don't forget to water the vines in my training room, as I will defiantly need to sharpen my skills prior to attempting to defeat this orange sentient slime.

Regards, as always,

The Badger

Official Notice:

From the Desk of Mayor Ingot

Addressed: Hatman & Indigo

Mr. Hattington and trusted pet-thing,

Enclosed are your invitations to the city key ceremony.  This year we would like you to present the Key to Twin City to Dr. Vanderstroodlebergermeisterhimmerson for his innovations on weather technology.  As last year's recipients, you have the honor of presetting the Key to him.

Thank you for always keeping our fine city safe,

Mayor Rodney Ingot

Twin City Lotto:

Scratch and win $10,000,000.00

Our city lotto has grown to an astronomical number.  Take your chance and see if you could win 10 million dollars!!!

(chance of winning 1:100,000)

Appointment Reminder:

From: Twin City Hair n Nails

Addressed: Auburn Damsel

For- Auburn Damsel

Date- Friday, November 2nd 2012

Time- 3:45pm

Hatman & Indigo: Friend or Foe?

By William D. Stetson, Twin City Sentinel Editor in Chief

            Dear citizens of our Twin City, through the years it has been my pleasure to use this space from time to time to brag about our wonderful accomplishments and achievements. Things such as the many wonderful inventions of our resident genius, Dr. Vanderstrudelbergermisterhimmerson; the critical acclaim of our talented mime guild; our World’s Largest Wrecking ball and adjacent wrecking ball museum; and the daily hard work and loyal service of you, the people of Twin City!

            We have a fine metropolis indeed.

            Unfortunately, I have also had to use this column, on occasion, to call out our city’s faults: the near constant criminal activity drawn to our many abandoned saw mills, warehouses and water towers; the marching band fiasco of ’96; and of course, the infamous and foolish killer bee festival – may we never forget.

            But today I must write to you about our greatest black-eye of all. Today I write to you about the source of, in my estimation, 60-75% of our city’s most recent and dangerous troubles. You may think that I am referring to the villains known as the Terrible Trio, but no, I am talking about Hatman & Indigo.

            I know, I know, many of you, including our mayor and law enforcement officials, consider Hatman & Indigo to be our greatest heroes. They stopped a baldness-inducing toxin from poisoning our water supply, they ended the reign of an evil and all-powerful 3^rd person omniscient point of view, and they have been responsible for the arrest of the Terrible Trio on multiple occasions.

“These two have risen to the task and rescued our city in our greatest moments of peril,” you might say. “How could you possibly refer to them as a danger?”

Well, what if I told you that I have received information that indicates that these two so-called heroes are actually the very SOURCE of the perils they have supposedly saved us from?

My source, who will remain anonymous, pointed out something out to me that should have been obvious to us all: that none of our greatest villains – Glomo, The Evil Zap Man, Super Cold Frozen Man, The Mad Hatter, The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man, Bald, and the Man-Hat – even existed until AFTER Hatman came onto the scene!

Is it possible that these threats only exist BECAUSE of Hatman & Indigo?

Is it possible that Hatman himself may have actually CREATED these enemies?

My source, who is credible I assure you, tells me that these things are absolutely true. And if this is the case, then however many times they have saved the city, however good their intentions may be; Hatman & Indigo are our greatest nemeses!

And I’m sorry to tell you, dear citizens, but this is not the extent of this scandal! My source tells me that as we speak, trouble is brewing once again at the Bill farm. This is the farm where, with the aid of Hatman, The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man was born, where he came back to reek havoc the following Halloween and then, a few years later, where he spawned a new villain called The Man-Hat emerged who temporarily lured all of our children to do his evil bidding. And now, as Halloween approaches again, it seems that The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed man’s power is returning once more and he’s plotting yet another evil scheme.

A relatively obscure podcast with an incredibly small listenership hosted by The Man-Hat published a new episode on Thursday featuring The Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man. This proves that he is back and that he is out for revenge, promising to strike this Halloween!

My source tells me that this wicked plot has already begun! The Pumpkin Man has been tainting pumpkins at the Bill Farm for months with an unknown toxin. These pumpkins have been distributed throughout the city for weeks and may already be in your homes! It is uncertain what role they will play in the Pumpkin Man’s attack, but I assure you, it will be sinister!

And where are Hatman & Indigo? Where are the so-called heroes who should be working tirelessly to prevent another tragedy? They are on vacation!

That’s right, I called the Hathouse myself early this morning and it was confirmed on a voicemail message left by Indigo: our city’s only hopes for averting another pumpkin-headed nightmare have decided to take a few weeks off in Hawaii, laying out in the sun and sipping on drinks with tiny umbrellas!

Citizens, I am afraid that we have no choice but to prepare for the worst! Lock your doors! Hide in your basements! Do not let your children out of your sight! Do not send them out trick-or-treating this year no matter how much they scream and cry! And most importantly, please, I implore you, throw out all of your pumpkins, pumpkin seeds, jack-o-lanterns, and cans of pumpkin pie filling! Get them as far from your house as you can and perhaps you will be spared from the ensuing pumpocalypse !

And if you have already eaten any pumpkin seeds, pumpkin pie or other pumpkin related food products, then please, seek medical attention immediately, and may God have mercy on your soul! 

But do not, I repeat, DO NOT trust Hatman and Indigo to save you!

Man-Hat's Podcast

Less than a week until Halloween now.  Our exploration of the Hatman Universe has brought about something interesting today.  A short 5 minute podcast featuring Man-Hat and the Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man (right click link to save or left click to play in a new window)!

Take a listen to learn a bit more about Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man's plans!

-Jason

Regular Man & Amazing Aquatic Kid Halloween Comic Strip

Late last night Tilian Wagner sent me her addition to the year without a Hatman Halloween!  Below is what Regular Man and Amazing Aquatic Kid are up to in the midst of Farmer Bill's journal entries (see yesterday). 

 

I can't wait to see what happens after this!

-Jason

Hatman Halloween-The Text Adventures!

We are well into October now, Hatmaniacs, and normally this is when we bring a new Hatman Halloween story to you.  Sadly though, this will be a year without one.

I spoke with Andy and Steve about the lack of a Halloween special this year and we decided that to help ease the Hatman withdrawals, we would offer our fans a text based Halloween story.  My idea with this is that since we will not have an actual comic for this story, we will not feature our main protagonists in this tale.

So, I bring you the first installment in the Halloween Text Adventure.  What follows is some excerpts from Farmer Bill's personal journal.  (Please note that since Farmer Bill is a simple farmer, his spelling and grammar may not live up to your 3twins expectations, but isn't that part of why we love him so much?)

-Jason


Oct 1st
Dear Gernal

The Bill Farm had a real crummy pumkin harvist this year.  Prolly due ta all that frost from that Freezy Man, Electric Twirly Mustash Guy and his yella pet dog that lasted all June.  Then we had a really hot July.  I honest to goodness tested it and fried my brekfist eggs on the enjin of my car.  Too bad I broke the yokes and all that gunky stuff went into the works.  The air condishuner has been spittin out scrambled eggs ever sense.

From
Bill

Oct 8th
Dear Gernal

I just don't know what I am gonna do ta pay the bills come winter.  Billy took off on an adventure with that water kid, splash boy, or wutever his name is and I had to hire that Badger guy to help me harvist what little crop I had left.  Hes a gud worker but he keeps practisin his nife elbowin on the pumkins and I keep hafin to sell the pumkins haf off!

From
Bill

Oct 15th
Dear Gernal

Well, I went inta the barn agin.  That box of pumkin guts is tryin ta seduse me inta freein him somehow.  He says if'n I kin figger how to git him out, he can use his powers to make me a huge pumkin harvist and my money woes'll be over!  With Billy and splash boy off on that adventure I think I mite git a chance to try things my way!  I shur hope that pumkin guy hasn't got inta my brains agin.  Nah, he prolly aint!

From
Bill

Oct 22nd
Dear Journal,

That farmer bought me line-o-bull and fashioned 'imself a backpack wif me box!  I was able to squeeze the tiniest portion of me juices onto his skin and now I've got me body back, in a manner of speakin!  It's really great to be able to move around and not be stuck in that dusty ole barn.  To keep suspicion away, I've been pretending to talk like the farmer and go about his normal daily activities.  But me birfday is comin' up and dats when I'll be the strongest.  That coupled wif the full moon on da 29th outta give me some extra magical mojo!  Soon, the world will be mine!  Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Sincerely yours,
Big Giant Pumpkin Headed Man in a Box-on the back of the farmer